I see you

Students enrolled in large courses often think the prof can't see them – that we must be looking at a sea of faces, and we can't tell one from the other. Life pro tip: I can see you. All of you.

Ok, I don't teach in Convocation Hall, so I can't speak to a 1500 person audience, but in my courses with 200-250 students, I absolutely know when someone is out of place. I know if there is a new note-taker in for the day, or if someone has brought their boyfriend/girlfriend to a lecture. I can often tell when students are surfing the internet, or texting. The reason I don't call people out for this is because it doesn't bother me, but don't mistake that for me not noticing.

Last year I had a student who was awesome. She came to class regularly, and she looked interested. I love that – when I can see all the faces, and they all have a look of "when will this end??!", I find myself focussed on the handful of students who are still with me. She was one of those students.

I almost told her so at the midterm review. After the review session, she came to get some help on a concept that students often struggle with (ROC curves in Perception), and after a few minutes of further explanation on my part, her face lit up. She figured it out. As she walked out of the class, I wanted to say, "Hey thanks for giving me a friendly face to look for in lecture. Your interest keeps me going." I didn't though, because I felt self-conscious about it, and I thought, "I will tell her another time."

That was about 2 days before the midterm, which she missed. She also missed the final exam. She deferred her deferred exam – actually, she deferred her exams, because she missed several of her finals that semester. As happens to many (too many) students at UofT, she started to struggle with anxiety and depression. Her struggles with mental health nearly derailed her undergraduate degree, and I think about her walking away from me at the midterm review session with some regret. Would things have turned out differently if I had reached out to that student?

Maybe not. Anxiety and depression often take on a life of their own, and a kind word from me probably wouldn't have prevented her struggle. But I want students to know that I genuinely care. I've been through tough times myself – I have a vivid memory of sobbing, really, truly sobbing, while cleaning my apartment in the 1st year of undergrad because I was so overwhelmed and just couldn't studying anymore. Seriously, picture that: a disheveled young woman loudly sobbing while slowly loading dishes into the dishwasher before continuing to sob while watering plants and dusting the livingroom. It's kind of funny... now.  

Anyway, I just wanted to say two things. One: you're not invisible. I know exactly what you're up to. And two: I know undergrad is hard. I've been there. If you're struggling, (a) you are not alone, and (b) there are lots of supports on campus. I recommend starting with your college registrar, but you can also try CAPS. Either way, with exams coming up, please be kind to yourself.